


camo

by evak1isak



Series: boy in jeans [5]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe, Depression, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, basically even is diagnosed and discovers his sexuality when he begins attending Nissen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 13:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19229773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evak1isak/pseuds/evak1isak
Summary: After changing schools to Nissen, Even is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and questions his sexuality.---Part of the series "boy in jeans", based on Ryan Beatty's album "Boy in jeans".





	camo

**Author's Note:**

> this one is probably the shortest in the whole series. I always wanted to know what happened when Even discovered that he was also into guys and bipolar. Sadly we didn't to get to explore his past (from his point of view) in the show!

Why I got this gel in my hair for no reason?

Sitting in my bedroom with my headphones bleeding

Staring at my posters of these japanese women

Dreaming of a day when it's worth what I'm seeing

Should I get my trophies out the box?

Should I hang my ribbons even though I lost?

Cross country was that fastest on the team

Cross country when I was only seventeen

Now the only thing I got are these memories

And a lot of time on my hands

Camo print depression

I keep my feelings hidden

No pills, no thrills

I'm not used to winning

But that's life, that's life

 

[Camo - Ryan Beatty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HD_LrpWtHrU)

 

Even stared at the ceiling of his bedroom. He had been in the same exact position for hours. He had his headphones on, loud, perhaps too loud. He didn’t even like the music he was listening to. But he didn’t care. He needed to shut the world off, some time for himself. His mother had knocked several times, but he couldn’t hear her and didn’t reply. He had been several days in his room now. He reckoned that it was smelly due to the plates piled on his table and the fact that he hadn’t showered, nor changed his pyjamas, in days. 

 

He hadn’t told his friends that he was bipolar.

 

Hell, he had only been diagnosed recently. He hadn’t that much time to process it.

 

And he didn’t want to lose his friends.

 

He also hadn’t told Mikael about the huge crush he had on him.

 

Hell, he had only realized that he liked his best friend recently. He hadn’t that much time to process it. If it had been a girl, he would’ve been okay with it, but liking a boy changed everything. 

 

He didn’t want to lose Mikael.

 

Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t told Sonja. Not about his crush on Mikael, but the being bipolar thing. He didn’t want to, she’d probably be annoying and overprotective. He just wanted to be left alone, in peace. He could handle it.

 

He knew that sooner or later everyone in high school would find out. He’d be the weirdo, the bipolar dude, the crazy one. And, if people found out about his sexuality, he’d also be a fag, pillow-biter, a faggot and every rude word he could imagine. 

 

He had been given some pills, yet it made him feel numb. He felt like he didn’t want to move his body. Although he didn’t know whether it was due to the medicine or his disorder. He hadn’t had that much time to do research, he was busy dealing with it. However, it explained many aspects of his life, the highs and lows he experienced. It gave him something to hold on to. A word for his sexuality would help him too. He wasn’t straight, he knew that (thanks, Mikael), but there were many labels out there. Maybe he was bisexual or pansexual, or God knows what. He wished he wasn’t an atheist so that he’d have someone to talk to.

 

He moved under the blanket, and that’s when he noticed that he was smelly and sweaty. It’d be better to shower. When he opened his bedroom door, which creaked, he heard his father’s voice.  _ Even? _ He wanted to rely, he truly did, but he felt like he couldn’t. His father would know what he was doing when he heard the water running.

 

They had gotten rid of the bathtub a few years ago, his parents mentioned that it was too much water being wasted, and now they got a shower tray. Even didn’t like it, now he couldn’t sit underneath the water for hours. It was uncomfortable and he didn’t have much space.

 

He did it anyways. Just this time. He sat and felt the water running down his face, his neck, his chest and his back. It was too hot. It wasn’t a coincidence. He wanted to get out of the shower with his skin completely reddened. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted to feel something. He just wanted to blend in. He wanted to be like everyone else, and also not be noticed. He didn’t want people to know that a) he was crazy b) he was a fag. He wanted to camouflage himself among the crowd. 

 

He just wanted to be.

  
  


Somebody told me I wasn’t good enough

Somebody told me that, fuck that 

 

He had changed schools recently. It didn't change much: he was still crazy and in love with his best friends. But then Isak appeared. And they kissed. And everything was going well. When Isak told him that he didn’t want to have crazy people in his life, his heart shattered. The boy he had fallen in love with was an ableist. An idiot. Even used to call himself crazy, when he thought that his life was over because he had been diagnosed with a mental disorder. He had grown to accept it, and told his friends about it. His friends would always be there for him.

 

It seemed like Isak didn’t want to.

 

It was difficult to get over him, especially after having broken up to try and get the boy. But he’d get used to it. He didn’t need a boyfriend in his life. At least not one that hated people like him. 

 

He only had to live life.

**Author's Note:**

> The word "camo" is short for "camouflage".


End file.
